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Thursday, June 16, 2005


A lesson, young grasshopper

An off day today, slightly different from the off days taken by the Birds yesterday and Monday. Hopefully, they'll be using this for some additional learning opportunities on the subject of hitting left handed pitchers. Mulder and Marquis will be in remedial pitching class with Dunc. How could one really be thinking much about the Cards today though, a day in which we've received sage advice from Mr. Carl Everett, of the Chicago White Sox? Now, I'll admit, I typically really hate it when celebrities dole out their wisdom on subjects such as politics, art, culture, etc. However, sometimes I wonder, maybe they've got a point, or at the very least, some great wisdom to impart gleaned from their worldly experiences. So, I've decided to reconsider, and to do that, I'm going to give old Carl a listen. After all, he's somekind of martial arts expert, judging by his headbutting techniques. Carl, as you may remember, began imparting wisdom some time ago. Like the Bhudda himself, though, it will be many years until the masses embrace his enlightened teachings. Here's one of his most famous gems, about Dinosaurs. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex. I feel it's far-fetched." So, if a tree falls in the woods, then it doesn't really fall because...Yep, you guessed it, nobody saw it. That was 2000. Today's Chicago Tribune has the highlights from his interview with Maxim Magazine (the 200 page condom advert for Sig Eps, KAs and other frat boys with articles written by seventh grade boys). Let's review what our sensei has to say. "Wrigley Field should be imploded." Sound wisdom to me. On Jose Canseco: "a bitter, ignorant individual." I know, Carl, I can't stand people who make outlandish statements just to make a buck or have the spotlight point in their direction for a few extra minutes. On the people that pay his salary ($4 million): "Fan is short for fanatic—he's crazy about something he really doesn't know about. And it's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching." Oh, absolutely. I'll be the first to agree with that, after all, he knows a lot more about the origins of life on Earth and biology (quote below). Much more than I could have learned in six alcohol fueled years in college. Now before I reveal the money quote, here's the other bit from the Tribune, it's in response to a question about the Congressional steroid hearings (or St. Louis fans know them, The Day Mark McGwire's respect took a shot in the keister along with his Hall of Fame bid). "We have a war going on - —I have family in that war - —yet we're talking about steroids. If everybody in the world got on steroids, we'll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids." Now in all honesty, even Carl Everett can make some capable utterance, something about the blind squirrel. Honestly, how does that stack up for the President's war propagandizing, when Carl Everett, Carl Everett!, doesn't buy it. And here's the money shot. Carl, as you may have guessed, is a bit of an old fashioned guy, and he probably didn't watch the Queer Eye makeover of the Boston Red Sox. "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. … I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay." No Carl, a DH that hits .235 against right handed pitchers is wrong.
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